Burden of Other Lifetimes
Posted on Fri Apr 10th, 2026 @ 4:15pm by Lieutenant JG Tuhjer Mil & Lieutenant Ralen Trellis
Edited on on Fri Apr 10th, 2026 @ 4:18pm
2,005 words; about a 10 minute read
Mission:
Flight Of The Valkyries
Location: Counseling Suite
Tags: Trill
Counselor Ralen Trellis reviewed the personnel file on his PADD one more time before his next appointment. Lieutenant JG Tuhjer Mill - recently transferred to the Tokyo as an Assistant Engineer. The file showed standard Starfleet credentials, solid performance reviews, and one detail that immediately caught Ralen's attention: Mill was a joined Trill on his fourth host.
Fourth host.
Ralen scrolled through the service record, looking for the detail he suspected would be there. And there it was - Mill's joining had been an emergency procedure. The previous host had died unexpectedly, and Tuhjer had been the nearest compatible candidate.
Just like me.
Ralen remembered his own emergency joining with uncomfortable clarity. The Trellis symbiont's previous host dying in a shuttle accident, Ralen being rushed to the joining ceremony with barely enough time to understand what was happening.
He set the PADD aside and stepped out into the waiting area. A Trill man in engineering gold sat on the couch, spots running from his hairline down his neck and presumably continuing beneath his uniform. His expression carried a certain weariness that Ralen immediately recognised - the look of someone carrying more weight than their years suggested.
"Tuhjer?" Ralen said, offering a warm smile and deliberately using the first name to avoid formality. "I'm Ralen. Thanks for making time for this. Please, come in."
Tuhjer rose to his feet. “Thank you,” he said, stepping into the office and letting the door slide shut behind him.
He paused just inside, taking in the space. “Your office is bright,” he remarked, a faint note of relief threading through his voice. “A welcome change from where I’ve spent most of my day. Jefferies tubes aren’t exactly known for their ambience.” A small, tired smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “The lighting there is adequate for the work, of course, just not what I’d call pleasant.”
Ralen gestured toward the comfortable seating area. "I've spent enough time in Jefferies tubes during emergencies to know exactly what you mean. All function, no comfort."
He settled into one of the chairs, keeping his posture relaxed. "I deliberately keep the lighting warmer in here. People tend to be more honest when they're not sitting under interrogation-level brightness."
A slight smile crossed his spotted features. "So, how are you settling in aboard the Tokyo? I know you transferred recently, and it's been... an eventful few weeks for the ship."
"The past few weeks have been more eventful than I’d expected, an understatement, really, but I think I’ve settled in rather well. I don’t actually mind the maintenance work in the Jeffries tubes. Cramped as they are, there’s a certain peacefulness to them. It’s just you and the task in front of you." he paused.
"What I have noticed, though, is how easily my mind wanders. I’ve always been prone to daydreaming, but since being joined, and carrying the memories and experiences of three other lives, my thoughts drift more often, and for longer stretches. It’s as if those extra voices nudge me toward reflection whenever things grow quiet."
Ralen leaned forward slightly, his expression shifting from casual welcome to genuine understanding. "The wandering mind. Yeah, I know that experience well."
He was quiet for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "It's disorienting, isn't it? You're working on a plasma relay, completely focused on the task, and suddenly you're remembering something that didn't happen to you. Someone else's hands doing similar work. Someone else's thoughts about the problem. And for a few seconds, you can't quite remember which memories are yours and which ones you inherited."
He met Tuhjer's eyes directly. "The first few months were the hardest. The memories come at you constantly, triggered by the smallest things. A smell, a sound, someone's turn of phrase. And you don't have years of experience yet to help you distinguish between 'this is my thought' and 'this is someone else's memory influencing my thought.'
Ralen paused, his expression carrying a hint of understanding frustration. "How long have you been joined now? And more importantly - how much preparation did the Symbiosis Commission actually give you before the procedure? Because in my experience, 'emergency joining' usually means they throw you into the zhian'tara process and hope you survive the integration."
"I’ve been joined for just over two months now, just after receiving my promotion to Lieutenant Junior Grade and my posting to the Tokyo. As for preparation, that consisted of a fifteen‑minute talk from the ship’s Chief Medical Officer, who admitted they knew very little about the joining process or Trills in general. After that, when there wasn’t anything anyone could do, the Symbiosis Commission gave me four counselling sessions and a couple of books to read. I believe the human expression “baptism of fire” would be appropriate."
Ralen's jaw tightened almost imperceptibly, his spots seeming to darken slightly with barely suppressed anger. He took a slow breath, forcing his expression back to professional neutrality, but the frustration leaked through anyway.
"Two months," he repeated, his voice carefully controlled. "Two months carrying four lifetimes of memories, and the Commission gave you four counseling sessions and some reading material."
He stood abruptly, pacing to the window before turning back to face Tuhjer. "Let me ask you something - how much ongoing support have they provided since those initial sessions? Regular check-ins? Access to experienced joined Trills who could mentor you through integration? Anything resembling actual care for you as a person rather than just a convenient biological housing unit for the symbiont?"
Ralen was afraid that he already knew the answer to his questions. They do this every time. Preserve the symbiont at all costs, treat the host like an interchangeable part. he thought angrily.
Tuhjer could easily sense the level of bubbling anger from Ralen. He was a little hesitant to answer the question but answer he had to. He sighed.
" I've had no further communication from the Symbiosis Commission since my last counselling session. Since then I've mostly focused on getting here for my new assignment. I have re-read the pamphlets a few more times but you really don't learn anything new after the fourth read-through."
Ralen caught himself, realizing his frustration was showing more than he'd intended. He returned to his seat. "I'm sorry," he said, though his tone suggested he wasn't apologizing for the sentiment, just the intensity. "The Symbiosis Commission has... philosophies about joining that I strongly disagree with. They prioritize symbiont survival above host wellbeing, and in emergency situations like yours - like mine - they seem to think a few counseling sessions and a pat on the head is adequate support."
"So let me be more direct," Counselor Trellis asked, regaining his internal control. "How are you actually doing? Not the official answer you'd give the Commission. The real answer."
"I am having a little trouble in the mornings, remembering who I am right now and not who I was. The other morning I got frustrated when I couldn't find a bra to wear, until I realized I was male again "
Trellis' expression shifted immediately from controlled frustration to genuine empathy. He leaned back in his chair, listening.
"Yeah," he said. "That's... that's exactly the kind of thing the Commission's 'four sessions and some books' doesn't prepare you for."
He was quiet for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "I've had mornings where I searched for Jaret's dog-tags before remembering that I was a Fleeter and we didn't wear those. Woke up confused about why my hands looked wrong because I was expecting Thessian's. It's disorienting as hell, and nobody warns you it's going to happen." The Counselor said.
"The morning confusion gets better with time," Counselor Trellis continued, his tone more clinical now - counselor helping client rather than joined Trill commiserating with another. "Your brain is still integrating the memories, trying to establish what's current versus what's inherited. Right now, when you first wake up, your mind hasn't fully sorted which lifetime you're in."
He leaned forward slightly. "Here's what helps: establish a morning routine that's distinctly yours. Something none of your previous hosts did. It anchors you in the present. Could be as simple as a specific breakfast, a particular song you play, anything that signals to your brain 'this is Tuhjer's life, not theirs.'"
"The other thing that helps - and this sounds strange - is talking to yourself in the mirror. Literally saying out loud 'I am Tuhjer. This is my body. This is my life.' It sounds ridiculous, but it reinforces the separation between present and inherited memories."
"I really appreciate your help. I've known a few joined Trill who were initiates for years before being joined, and they always seemed considerably more grounded than I am. A friend told me I'm fortunate to have only three lifetimes to sort through, rather than many more. Apparently there's another joined Trill who had a similar experience to mine, but he was the ninth host."
He smiled and chuckled.
"I had a thick porridge with bananas for breakfast this morning, and only afterwards did I realise that I, Tuhjer, have never had it before, but Telena Mil did. It was their go‑to every single day. I honestly wonder who ordered it this morning."
Counselor Trellis couldn't help but smile at that, recognizing the exact experience Tuhjer was describing. "Yeah, that's going to keep happening for a while. The muscle memory, the automatic choices - they're some of the hardest things to separate because they don't feel inherited. They just feel natural."
He leaned back in his chair. "Your friend is right that fewer hosts makes integration easier, but honestly? That's cold comfort when you're still dealing with three entire lifetimes of experiences you didn't ask for. It's like telling someone drowning in a meter of water that they're lucky it's not two meters deep."
"The porridge thing will keep happening," Trellis continued. "You'll order things you don't like, reach for tools in configurations you've never used, maybe even catch yourself using phrases or mannerisms that aren't yours. The key is what you do after you notice it."
He stood, moving to his desk to pull up something on his PADD. "Here's what I'm going to do. I'm scheduling you for weekly sessions for the next month - not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you need consistent support during acute integration. The Commission might think four sessions is enough, but I disagree."
He handed Tuhjer a PADD with some information loaded on it. "I'm also sending you some exercises - grounding techniques specifically designed for joined Trills. They help reinforce present identity versus inherited memory. Use them daily, especially in the mornings when the confusion is worst."
He took the PADD. "Thank you. I do appreciate this. I do seem to coping well to some degree. But the confusion I experience is often quite pronounced. "
"You're doing the work of integration that most joined Trills get years of preparation for. Give yourself credit for managing as well as you are." Trellis said with an understanding tone.
He continued talking as he walked Tuhjer toward the door. "Use those exercises. Come to the weekly sessions. Now go get some rest. And tomorrow morning - your breakfast, your choice. Not Telena's." He joked.
" Of course. I will do my best. Thank you again for your help, it's much appreciated and the most amount of help I've actually had since joining. Good day, Sir."
As Tuhjer left, Ralen stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him walk down the corridor. The frustration with the Symbiosis Commission still simmered beneath the surface, but at least this time he could actually help. Provide real support instead of four sessions and a reading list.
Lieutenant Ralen Trellis
Assistant Counselor
USS Tokyo
Lieutenant JG Tuhjer Mil
Assistant Engineer
USS Tokyo
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